THE OPC

From a young age I have always felt one with the earth. I grew up on a medium sized farm in West Central Wyoming. I spent every day outside on the farm with my grandfather surrounded by the elements. Working with the soil, being encompassed by the wind, feeling the effects of cool clean water, as well as utilizing the strong energy of fire. I was his shadow. He taught me life skills and morals, how to act like a gentleman, how to communicate and a belief in a higher power. He taught me about family, love, right and wrong. As a young child these lessons followed me throughout my whole life. These lessons were not forced, I was able to think and make my own decisions. The rest of my family was very loving and "normal" LDS household. We were all very close. My parents were kind, caring, and compassionate. They did work a lot so I spent the majority of my time with my four older siblings. They were however very present in my day to day life.

​

When I got older I realized some of those beliefs that I had developed were not what I recognized as truth and comfort. My parents got a divorce, a non LDS man joined our family and suddenly, without guidance, freedom and exploration engulfed my brain. After developing as a child and turning into an angsty teenager, we moved to northwestern Wyoming. I started to investigate myself on a whole new level. A very deep level. Rebellion, cigarettes, sexuality, alcohol, different forms of spirituality, rated R movies and adult television. I began to get a completely different perspective of my life and I acted on every bit of it. I lived life to the fullest. I had fun, partied, explored so much within myself that couldn't keep up. My actions and decisions were affecting me in a negative way. People around me changed, had different idealizations. I was thought of as the strange kid. I was bullied, looked down upon, left alone. My brain, my life was in turmoil. 

​

Growing into a young adult, I was lost. My anxiety grew and became debilitating. My depression was so strong I was intentionally hurting myself. I searched and searched for anything that might help. I asked so many for help and guidance. The only thing I ever had to go back on were the lessons I was taught at a young age, the ones my grandfather had passed down to me. When he suddenly passed away I was even more alone and scared. I feared living. I would come up with excuses in my life to just numb the pain. Excuses that would push it to the very depths of my subconscious. I didn't want to feel it anymore. Everyone told me I was the most resilient person they knew. I kept pushing. I never knew for what, I just knew I didn't want to feel this much pain. It haunted me for years. 

Then, last year I had eight deaths in my immediate family over the course of 9 months. One of them being my oldest sister and her daughter who got killed in a tragic drunk driving accident. She never had a sip of alcohol in her life. During this time I used alcohol to help numb the pain and to feel happiness. She was the only person in my family that I could truly talk to without being judged. She just listened and helped where she could. I never fully processed her death. I put it in my subconscious. I did not want to feel any form of that pain. With all of these deaths around me, after loosing my five year old daughter, my farm, my house, my second fiancé, I was homeless. I lived in my car, I bought a camp trailer to live in and I totaled it. Bought another one and lived in it. I was lonely and depressed. I couldn't find any positivity. I prayed, performed rituals, attempted suicide. I was too afraid to face my demons, those demons controlled my life every single day.

 

Nearing the age of 30 I engulfed myself in work. I became an amazing star employee. Every waking hour I was not eating food or drinking myself to sleep I was working. I was developing a career. I didn't realize this corporate company was taking advantage of my work ethic and loyalty, using it to their advantage. I was asleep, I was not awake. During this time, I came to hate money. It really can't buy you happiness. It can't buy you people, it cannot fix your loneliness or depression. Even your anxiety. It can buy you happy pills and happy juice as you cope instead of live, feel, and let your issues go.

​

One day everything changed. I received a message from an online platform from someone named Violet Wylder on a social media platform for people to meet. I spent my whole life trying to reach others and suddenly someone was reaching out to me from the blue. The universe knew that I needed help specifically from her. We talked and developed a magical relationship over the course of eight months. The magic, the compassion, the love, it was beautiful. That doesn't mean we didn't go through some rough patches, we did but we got through them. She took me under her wing with her wisdom, her experience and way of thinking. She helped me and it was not an easy process.

​

She showed me I was not awake. I was not living in reality. I was in some other form of being that didn't exist at all, hiding, afraid, angry. I was asked a simple question, "what if you found out that you could have anything and everything you want in this life and all you have to do is take the second door. It's invisible but I can walk you through it if you trust me. Anyone can choose this any time. If you aren't ready that's important and real. You shouldn't go through but you are not awake and until you are you will continue to feel this way. Do you want to wake up?"  I said, "yes" but I was terrified. I didn't know what it entailed, I didn't know what would happen to me. I wanted to be "OK" so bad I was willing to do anything. So we started.

 

She had me sit, silently while I held her hands. She had already taught me meditation so we started there. I felt the fear, the sadness, the anxiety,  the despair, the anger more than I had ever felt before. It was terrifying all of it coming up at once. There were so many emotions, an immense fear that was so strong words can't explain. During it I thought I itched so badly that I wanted to tear my skin off. I was angry, it felt like she was doing this to me. I asked for her to stop and she stood by our agreement, I had said I trusted her, I'd go through and hold her hands until we were through to the other side. So even though I begged she calmly, lovingly reminded me that I was ok, that I asked for this and on the other side was freedom.

 

We made it through. The rest of the night I felt comatose. The next morning I woke up, my head was clear. I could think. My fear and anxiety had subsided. It was still there but hardly noticeable. I felt love for myself, I felt love for those who had hurt me. I felt so many positive emotions and even physical feelings that embraced me. It was overwhelming and I questioned it but Violet answered them and reassured me. It did make me nervous but excited, the fact that I was able to now think clearly, feel love and stop focusing on all the negative. I had been so powerless for so long that part of my brain tried to convince me that it was normal, that maybe I shouldn't let go of it. I knew I wanted control over myself and that knowledge helped me overcome the rest of my fears. Some are still there but I can now consciously work on them.

​

I believe in the five elements. I believe in spirit, belonging, magic and hope turning into reality. I believe in equality. Gender to me is just a word. An expression to communicate ideas about a person, feminine and masculine. Religion in my opinion is normally a coping meconium for fear and being lost. Sexuality is about love and embracing life, with consent. Having amazing feelings and love for those around you sprouts from the love you have for yourself and fuels love for all. 

 

I want to participate, experiment with and practice loving everybody in this world, with that same love that I have for myself. I want to participate and practice respect for all things, people, ideas, animals and energies as long as they do not cause harm to others. It feels essential to have this perspective if I want others to share it and participate in it with me. It's past time to wake up, face your fears and start living.