My Shamanic Dreams - Part 2
This next one is about the Shark and the Mermaid, or really the Sea Captain and the Great White. This was not a recurring dream. I had it in my late twenties in an apartment in Orem. My second real home, where I learned that decorating our homes is important, vital even. They need to be nice spaces for ourselves, our children, our pets, and our communities.
In the dream I am a male captain of a vessel set in a period that seems to be around the 1600's. Besides being the captain, I'm the King's General. I remember I was on a mission meant to save the King & the Kingdom. I had promised I would accomplish it or try to till my dying breath when out of nowhere the ship began to quake. It's being attacked by a great white shark. I've read Moby Dick, I get an angry, hunted whale but a shark? It seems impossible but once we accept that that's what's happening we go about trying to kill the creature but to no avail. We have cannons, guys even drop into the ocean, sacrificing themselves in an attempt to try to kill it mano y mano. It evades, comes back, smashes its snout into the ship & rocks it to its core. There's a point where I realize that all hope is lost. This one measly shark is going to kill us, bring down a King's ship, & destroy the prospects of my dream family back in the kingdom I'm trying to save, it is the End of the World as I Know It.
I decided my last job was to try to bring the men as much comfort as possible in the face of our demise. I remember thinking at the helm, my last acts as captain before going down with my ship were to be an example of leadership, stand in the face of the impossible, fight to the end, & comfort my men. I am filled with absolute fear but I still myself & do what I can, I see it as what I must!
I barked my last few commands, "You, men, to me! Keep trying to kill the beast. You over there! Throw everything overboard to lighten our load and give us more time." We were taking on water now. "You! Take someone down below and try to stop the leaks!" I can tell the men are steadied by my confidence. I try not to think of them all leaving someone behind. "Get the cook! Tell him to stuff the best cuts of steak with rat poison!" Nothing was working though. I knew nothing would in my heart of hearts, something like magic was involved & we were powerless against it.
Sure enough she didn't take the bait, it was like she knew what we were doing & that just made her angrier. Just as I knew it was magic, I knew it was a she. I'm watching everyone, everything as the ship begins to crumble. The ship begins to sink. It's like being in a hurricane of wood for a while & then we're all in the water, men everywhere screaming, yelling, some shouting orders, trying to fight the thing. I am frozen now, watching as the men that I had led for years & loved went under one by one. Pools of blood left in their wake.
All I can do is hold onto some floating debris & wait my turn. I'm praying for it now. I try to watch for patterns that might help me kill it but there's nothing I can do with what I see. I had never felt as powerless as I did in that moment in the dream. The blood of my men is now attracting more predators, they don't do any of the killing though, like they know to give this particular shark that privilege. I realize in horror though that the body parts of my men are floating up now & that's when they begin their supers. I think I would have thrown up if I'd had any food that day. I am forced to just wait & listen as nightfall comes. I have been watching my world fall into wreckage for an entire day, I'm hungry, & exhausted. It's late at night when I realize all is silent.
For some reason I'm the last one alive. I'm in a sea of blood, my men's blood, my babies' blood. I can't see anymore but I can feel & smell it. The beast is coming for me next, I am trying to feel relieved but I know how she's going to do it, just as she had with every man before me. First, she'd dive deep, and disappear, then suddenly she'd be flying into the air with a body between her massive jaw. I was the female me in the waking world & the male captain in the sea somehow & I truly had a sense of a horrible end coming my way. I could see her diving deeper than she had that day with a renewed determination. I couldn't understand how I was having all three experiences at once but I remember the mathematician who said that the mysteries of this world outnumber the sands of the sea or land. What famous mathematician said that? Did we listen or even come close to comprehending that statement? Nope. Still aren't, we're worse than Scully on X-Files.
I wait, I sense other creatures circling me, hoping for a taste but staying back till she has her way with me. I can sense their lusty hope to pick at my bones. The captain me had been in battles on land and sea and never had I seen such perfect teamwork. The student me in the waking world had read enough to agree. I can't blame them for loving a free feast. It's recycling & teamwork if I ever saw it, good job Mother Nature, guess we don't need science or technology like we think. I can now feel her momentum as she turns and begins swimming up towards me, driving herself to her fullest capacity. Maybe the impact will break my neck, I think as I suck air in through my teeth in fearful anticipation. The great white, or GW if you will, is doing what nature does best, efficiency, speed, momentum, universal laws abound. Sure enough, it is the calm before the storm. a. That's what is happening right now in the waking world today, it is the calm because we're about to be taken over. A hostile, legal takeover of this planet & you are all belly-aching about things that simply aren't the actual problems. That's the plan, to keep you distracted, entertained, drugged, asleep, in amnesia, whatever they can use, it's all fake though, so they can take you finally, once & for all. They have been & will harness the energy of the gods to do their & their children's bidding. It seems you will all let them. b. Have you not heard about alien abductions? Have you considered if they're real? And if they are what they might mean? Aliens are just foreigners, people. How many times have people who return report that there is a beautiful race of people with them? A lot, one famous telling is by ciivil rights activists, Betty and Barney Hill. Usually a man and woman, an Adam & Eve type. The ship picks up some unlucky bastard(s) because that's all humans are to them, unlucky assholes, pardon my French. They grab their victims & then pick them apart to learn about humans because the Atlanteans are not the same as humans. Our seeds have been mixed but they are not the same. They are a different species. They are only more beautiful because they taught us to measure beauty by their standards. It's a lie, it's fake, it's meant to distract us from the ugliness of their souls. Have you ever heard of Dorian Gray? He's my mother's brother. That's me taking creative liberties. He's hideous in his painting but in real life, he's beautiful, impossibly rich, connected & doesn't die despite his despicable nature. Read it, watch it, Oscar Wilde's, The Picture of Dorian Gray.
So, the shark is driving towards me, I can feel what she feels, such as focus, determination, and even need. I marvel at the power I feel in her. Suddenly, I go flying into the air. Time feels like I've been propelled into space for what feels timeless. How high do great whites go? I wasn't actually in space but all I could see or feel was blackness, stars, & air. At an impossible height for an impossible moment, I am suspended among the stars. As we begin torpedoing down I become aware that there's no bone-crushing pain. The GW doesn't have hands to gently fly me to the moon, set me down, & teach me the way I want & deserve. Did that mean I got out of it without any wounds? Hell no, you better believe her teeth left marks, and scars all over my body but I remained ultimately intact, alive, if not in shock. We crashed into the water & began diving down.
Down, down, down into the deep. Down, down, down into the rabbit hole. Have you read Alice's Adventures in Wonderland by Lewis Carrol? There you will see yourself, and meet the beast if you're paying attention. The deep is where great whites take their victims, to ensure ultimate & efficient death & the ease of devouring their prey for the delivery of fuel to their transformer bodies. Shouldn't I be dead? The pressure of the sea, the lack of oxygen, the water, & air filling & collapsing in my lungs. You better believe I remember all of it in great agonizing detail but guess what? I'd had practice. When? During the witching hours when the LDS cult members and my family practiced doing things to me underwater or just drowning me as punishment. a. The great cult behind the LDS church takes kids like I was in the witching hours to do all their illegal experiments. I even practiced breathing in the water in waking hours at the age of 7 to ensure I'd survive these. I don't believe everyone did. What happened to the baby born a year before me, in 1978? That's the year my mom crossed off those pictures. I had to learn to be underwater while they tortured me in the name of research & science. I never lost those memories but they seemed ridiculous to me when I was older, so I placed them on a shelf until I could understand them. Try to suspend your disbelief as I tell you my stories. "Sometimes you have to let go to get a better grip," Jill Kamphefner can quote me on that in the early 2000s. It's always been YOU, sweet people. b. The love songs, the wailing at the wall, the sacrifices, they were all by you, for you. Do you know the salary of the president of the good 'ol US of A? I do. How many presidents are still alive and receiving these salaries still? Are you ok with your tax dollars going to keep those guys alive and overly comfortable, protected, quiet, them and all theirs? Really? Ok, whatever.
Down in the deep the shark begins to speak. She tells me we are mind-melded now, "Begin, breathe." I don't have a choice here, die or do. Sometimes reality is that binary, fight or become slaves, but rarely. "Now, watch, listen, feel, see? Be, be the queen bee, be in the sea Violet, be Violet's Fire, St. Elmo's Fire (the song), Chariots of Fire, exist, be free, in the wild, be a Wylder, hear me, hear my song, hear your song, it is the same, The Devil is in the Details sweet fool."
I couldn't tell you how long I lived in the ocean with the GW, for days, months, years, I don't know, time stopped being relevant to my existence, to my life in the sea, in that dream all those years ago. I simply existed because there wasn't a choice to stop the dream or cease to exist. I got that on some level, at least in the dream. I still tried killing myself twice in real life years later, I had to know some things and that was the only way I could. I do not recommend attempted suicide or suicide, at all but I do believe in a person's choice to live or die how they want. I swam, I hunted, I basked in the sea, in the sun, among the other creatures of that unexplored universe. I saw it all, things you can't imagine. I made friends with creatures still undiscovered by man.
Sally, I told you this dream several times but you never remembered, and probably still don't, do you? That's DID. You forgot a lot all the time. I wasn't ready to lose you to my perspective and truth. Yet, when I went into a madness not of my own making and something you should have recognized and helped me stop, you took things personally, got defensive, and listed all my debts to you, in detail, one by one. Ok, don't worry, a Wylder never forgets and she pays all her debts. You'll be reimbursed every penny of sacrifice you made to me and my daughter. Or have you already been? I will Always Love You, "white on rice," you said but you didn't know you couldn't keep that promise, just like P said she was all in, "both feet, no matter what." I knew it was a lie when you both spoke but I said ok and I trusted like it was true until it wasn't anymore. Then I had to be autonomous and I said things you didn't like and then you hated me. Same as my family. You were not there when I needed you most or were you? It's hard to say if we use actual math so we won't and just leave it with thank you forever. I can't ever pay you back but I'm trying. Gods I'm trying. Thank you for witnessing my rebirth, my art, my legacy.
I leave this church, my art, my legacy to the world for all but free but I do ask for a dollar sometimes, simply because I need it. I am a beggar at everyone's mercy. See my blog, HELP!
Back to the dream. I was a shark for all practical purposes and something different, something more. It was a pilgrimage in the sea. I shared in the sea and all her dreams for herself, her babies, and us. It was beautiful, magical, and sacred. We swam, fed on fresh fish, dove deep, and discussed magic, the ocean, and politics, we went miles and days in silence, listening to the the music of the wild. I have never known such peace. It felt like so much longer than I night and I didn't want it to end. I was at perfect peace.
Oh those that call themselves my family, did you think my silence these ten years meant I was broken, defeated? That all this time I wasn't learning, growing, becoming all that I could be and am? Did you learn nothing from me after spending all those years with me? I am a survivor, a healer, a lover, I am authentic, I evolve, and I always have right before your eyes every time you knocked me down. I will wait in a hidy hole, I learned that living with you all, for as long as I need, I will be a fox, literally and figuratively, in the hen house and then I will eviscerate you metaphorically, plain and simple. From the inside out. DS thought they were going to bury me under the family tree but what happened? He was educated. He testified to what I was saying to be true. How? They made their accusations and thought I would cower under the fear of you all deeming me broken enough to cower. Your judgments mean nothing to me anymore. I'm sorry to everyone else that I had to go through some periods of madness to get free. Otherwise, the madness came from all of you, family, betrayers of patriotism, Christianity, and truth. The truth was always bound to come out.
DS has three years of peace, then his daughters will be free to come find me. No, they won't even have to go to that trouble unless they want a hug - a free, healthy, beautiful, real hug with no strings attached, and no history of manipulation, lies, and abuse. All they have to see is the moment when their dad accused me of being insane with no proof, by his own pathetic words. Then they will hear MY words and that I have "droves" of proof. But all they need to see is when their dad has nothing to say to my list of his and my sister's crimes, some against them, where he has nothing to say in response, "I have nothing more to add your honor." Coleen set him up epically. This will be his undoing when his daughters see and hear him unable to utter a simple sentence, "That's not true." That's all he had to say but when the truth comes out and you know you're utterly guilty it's hard to lie even that much. He denied not a single allegation of kidnapping, brainwashing, child rape, molestation, crossing state lines, all of it, the LDS church, the Free Masons, the Illuminate, and ultimately the Gleasons being the orchestrators of it all. Their dad with his pedo, porn stache unable to say a single intelligent word of his own.
Back to the dream, a shamanic dream by my Blackfoot Nation origins. I hold onto that great, great... Grandmother as mine alone. I hate to think of what they did to her. I swam with a great white as me in the waking world and as me, the sea Captain was slowly stripped of his uniform, of his rank, of his essence down to only bones and sinew. By the time we reached land, I realized she had taken me home, back to my Kingdom. I did not want to leave the ocean, Motherverse, I did not want to leave the GW, I did not want to leave the peace I had known, the simplicity and honesty of the wild, something we humans have abandoned, plain and simple. She looked at me with her black eye, filled with space and stars and I knew getting out of the water was not a request. If I didn't she would eat me as simply as she had my men. I knew she had kept me alive for this reason. Get out, go save the King.
I said goodbye, my heart had and has rarely known such sadness as that moment and the love I felt in return was fierce, wild, and perfect. Suddenly, my mother from the waking world was there. Yes, Coleen, dressed in old-timey clothes, reaching for me, offering to help me up onto the pier. Before I could take her hand the GW leapt and ate her in one gulp. It was a weird moment. I did not get it in my head in the waking world, the message, she was the enemy, but as the sea captain I had come to more than trust her, and I felt no sadness, just a longing to complete my unclear mission, just go, go to the King and save him. I will admit, somewhere in the back of my mind I hoped to return to the sea as soon as possible but that was not meant to be.
I somehow ended up in some clothes people who knew me offered as I made my way to the castle. I remember knowing I looked so different from when I left, tanned, skinny, hardened, dressed haphazardly but I was a man on a mission. I was focused and undeterred by social details. When I got to the castle I was puzzled by the buzzing of some kind of feast or celebration. I was more surprised by the amount of commoners piled inside a room off to the side. As if it had been made for this purpose, these people filled with needs, even hunger, stuffed into this room small compared to the great banquet hall that they could see through the wall which had been knocked down halfway, like a window into the world of the wealthy. No one recognized me so they stuffed me into this room. I did not want to argue and was curious about what was happening so I pushed my way through these sad, starved people who had been told they might have a world their King to the front where I could see everyone in the hall feasting, dining, some laughing at the haggard faces staring in on them and their fine apparel. I was shocked at this horrible display of treatment. I was shocked my King would allow it. I saw him up on the dias, on his thrown as if he were dazedly watching the rich lap at their feast like children with no manners. His face was white, he looked as if he sat in pain. I was so confused by him but then something caught my eye.
It was a server. Something was off about him. He wasn't serving anyone but carefully making his way towards the king. Then, I saw it, the knife under the napkin dangling on his arm like the other servers had. His eyes flit from the rich to the guards, to the King. He was an assassin, I knew it and I knew that's why I was there right at that moment. I didn't stop to think. I climbed over the half wall, and people began to clamber behind me and began climbing over with me, thinking we were breaking out of the confines of that horrible room. I didn't stop to dissuade them of their belief. Some stopped to take food from the tables so great was their hunger. Guards were spilling into the room to stop the madness. The well-dressed, debutants of the ball began to scream, some stayed seated, and others leaped to their feet to fight or flee. I had only eyes of the King and the assassin who was now running towards the King. I intercepted him, grabbing a bread knife from the table and blocking his deadly one with the blunt one in my hand, suddenly he was throwing another towards the King, and with a leap like something from the Matrix I kicked or swatted it out of the way and ended up inches from my Lord. I knelt immediately.
That's when I realized, he was already all but dead. Practically mummified. He could hardly stand but seeing me, his beloved General he did leap to his feet and embraced me, pulling me to my feet. Everything in the room stopped as people realized what had just happened when they saw the dagger that had been thrown and landed inches from their King, a man we all loved. The King immediately spoke, "This is the man that just saved me, that saved us. Anything he wants, even this Kingdom is his for the taking. What will you have good man?" "Just to be free Sire. Just to know you are fee?" "I am now." He said, he instructed a nearby servant to take me somewhere and turned to address the hall as the stately King I remembered. I turned to go with the servant. I cared not where, I had done the thing I had promised, the thing the GW had sent me to do.
I followed the servant out of the great hall, out of the Castle, and into what was now night. I hadn't realized how much time had gone by. I cared not. I was taken across a well-manicured lawn, I remember with such distinction. The darkness and the mist made the grass look blue-green. It was beautiful outside, I felt like I could breathe free for the first time since entering the Castle. She led me to what I realized upon entering was the King's Mausoleum except inside I realized that the waking me knew the names of some of the sepulchers, like Socrates and Leonardo da Vinci, I walked to the end of the walkway between a long line on either side of their marble graves. When I turned around to ask the servant girl what we were doing here she was gone. Instead, standing before me, as if she were in a mirror, was a goddess that looked of Indian origin. She was dressed in pink, revealing clothing, so beautiful, floating, staring at me with such admiration and love. She said one thing and I woke from my dream, "Welcome."
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